Have I Got Whos For You (We Sure Picked A Creepy Night For A Drive Edition)

Boring Doctor Who episodes, #47.

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It’s Scooby Doo’s birthday. The cowardly canine is a whole half-century (that’s an oxymoron, surely?): five decades of running up along corridors avoiding the portraits with living eyes and hiding behind lampshades and suits of armour, before discovering the larder and constructing geometrically implausible sandwiches. I just finished playing a mobile game called Agent A – one of those episodic adventure / puzzle type things that was actually quite good – and you spend five chapters exploring the villainess’s lair and its surroundings and NOT ONCE DO YOU ENCOUNTER ANYTHING THAT MIGHT REASONABLY PASS FOR A KITCHEN. I mean honestly. I know the woman is stick thin, but surely she must down the odd protein shake? Sushi? Bit of salad?

Perhaps it’s all fine dining and drive-throughs. You’d think it would show on her figure, except Shaggy manages to eat the monthly food allowance for a small Peruvian mountain village and still fit into size 32 trousers, so I guess these things don’t have to make sense.

“IT’S, LIKE, BIGGER ON THE INSIDE!”

In the news this week: rumblings in Scottish lakes, or lack thereof.

The Loch Ness Monster is rather like a no-deal Brexit. Everyone has their own idea of what it’ll be like, we’re all probably wrong, views from experts are being largely ignored in favour of populist trash and there’s considerable doubt as to whether the thing will ever actually surface, and so at the moment it’s mostly a marketing opportunity.

It was also Roald Dahl’s birthday yesterday, which led to the usual moaning on Twitter about how he was problematic, owing to some unsanctionable views on the Holocaust, some rather unfortunate stereotyping in Charlie and the Great Glass Elevator and the fact that when it came to family the guy was a bit of a nob. It’s ironic when you consider that Danny The Champion of the World contains one of the most beautifully rendered portraits of fatherhood I’ve ever encountered. David Walliams, on the other hand, is being touted as ‘the new Roald Dahl’, despite being a much nicer person (at least ostensibly) who possesses only a small portion of Dahl’s talent; I do enjoy The Boy In The Dress but is this really the pinnacle of contemporary children’s writing? Or can we do better? Because I can’t help feeling we can.

Anyway, I’m not getting into whether or not you’re allowed to read Dahl’s books or even celebrate his existence on the grounds of his personal life and political allegiance; if you’ve been around here long enough you’ll know my views on the matter, so I will leave it to grumpy Spectator columnists and millennial hacks writing for trashy, overly Woke online publications to have that particular argument. Instead, you can have a deleted scene from 2005.

And poor little Charlie Bucket was never seen again.

Oh, while we’re on mashups (I can’t believe I actually wrote that; mashups is all we ever do around here), perhaps now’s a good time to put that irritating Reddit meme to bed, albeit with a different image than the one that’s currently doing the rounds.

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I leave you with the news that Fireman Sam has been dumped. No, not by Penny (with whom, I suspect, he’s been having a long-standing relationship, complete with fumblings behind the lockers during the evening shift and all sorts of innuendo about hoses and poles), but by Lincolnshire Fire and Rescue Service, who deem him inappropriately male for their contemporary inclusive image. I suspect that as the epitome of white male privilege (yes, I had a bit of racist abuse at school for my Hebrew ancestry, but nothing to write home about) I should have no views on this whatsover, and thus will refrain from stating one.

Anyway, Sam needs to find a new gig, so accordingly:

“It’s all right, don’t panic! I’m ‘ere!”

Have I Got Whos For You (Halloween special)

Sorry about the radio silence this last week, folks: I’ve been in Cheshire, where there is not much to report.

Over in Whoville, of course, things have been getting busy with the news of an upcoming Doctor Who themed musical from the writers of Les Miserables.

Well, everyone wanted Eddie Redmayne as the Doctor, didn’t they?

Elsewhere, unreleased concept art for ‘The Doctor’s Wife’ drifts to the surface, confirming many of our suspicions about Amy and Rory.

We sure picked a creepy night to land in a pocket universe, Scooby Doo.

And on a quiet street somewhere in Basingstoke, the Doctor frankly didn’t see it coming.

Enjoy your Halloween, and don’t let the bed bugs bite.

Have I Got Whos For You (part 9 3/4)

Scooby Ood.

 

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Actually, while we’re on the subject –

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You were all thinking it, weren’t you?

And while we’re combining cartoons with that series finale, have a few Peanuts.

See you next time, my Sweet Babboo.

The wolves are dawdling

I am too full of cake / cheese / salami to write anything substantial at the moment. You know how it is at Christmas. But I’ve been keeping these three puns in reserve for a day when I really ought to post anything, while lacking the momentum to actually do it.

First: one of those Lord of the Rings moments that would have arguably improved the scene if they’d actually done it.

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Second: I’m not even going to explain this one, as you need to have read Wolf Hall to appreciate it, and if you haven’t, it won’t be funny even if I explain why.

 

 

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And lastly: I know I’m not the first person to have thought of this, but it strikes me as very odd that more people haven’t done it.

 

Happy New Year. May all your camels be fertile.

Mugabe Stumbles

If you read this regularly, you’ll know that I normally space posts out in order to avoid spamming you with excessive waffling. However, I have made an exception today, in order to comment on the sensational news story that made headlines across the world yesterday, as ROBERT MUGABE FALLS OVER WALKING DOWN SOME STEPS.

Actually, it wasn’t so much that part that made us all interested as much as the security detail’s unsuccessful attempts to destroy the copious photographic evidence amassed after the unfortunate incident. This – coupled with the West’s general hatred for the incompetent despot – caused the whole thing that go viral in a series of Photoshopped images, some of which were better than others. There is a part of me that feels a little bit uncomfortable about laughing at a ninety-year-old man tripping over his own feet, but I have no love for Mugabe or his regime, having heard first hand about some of the things he did, from people who lived there.

But this isn’t a political post; this is just me weighing in with the usual selection of hastily assembled JPEGs. First we have the obligatory Dinopaws photo.

 

And in another forest elsewhere, the Eleventh Doctor is running away from…something. (I think this is ‘Hide’, but I can’t be absolutely sure.)

 

Here’s Mugabe hanging out with the Scooby gang.

 

And finally (and I confess I rather like this one) here’s a deleted scene from ‘Pyramids of Mars’.

Call off the search (the Brian of Morbius edition)

In the first instance, I’m going to copy-and-paste the paragraphs below from a similar post (with quite different specifics) over on one of my other blogs. So apologies in advance if what you’re about to read is familiar, but I couldn’t think of a better introduction. Scroll down to the search terms if you want. Go on. I don’t mind.

The other week, SJ and I were having a conversation about post popularity – not a period of time that chronologically follows popularity, but popularity of blog posts. “I wonder,” she said (I’m paraphrasing), “just how many of my so-called followers actually read what I’m writing. I’ll bet a fair number of them are spam”.

I have the same thoughts – you wonder how many of the people who blindly click the ‘follow’ button are actually digesting your missives and thoughts. I know a good number of you do, and for that I am grateful. To the rest, well, you’re excused. Lip service is part of the WordPress way, it seems, and I’d be lying if I said I had never followed blogs that I don’t read properly.

Among the regular readers, of course, there are the people who drop in because they’re looking for something. Sometimes some of my posts can provide answers – other times, judging by some of the search terms, they’ve just happened to tap in a number of words that the Googlebots determine exist in random places on different parts of my home page. So the words ‘vaseline’, ‘pornography’ and ‘live goats’ are in completely different and entirely unconnected posts, honest guv. And the money was just resting in my account.

Every so often, I’ll scan through the site stats and make a list of some of the more interesting search terms that people have been using on their wayward journey through cyberspace – a journey that led them here, however long their rest stop. Here’s a selection from the last quarter, presented as is, including typographical errors.

– gay lesbian “brianofmorbius”
– clara tardis meh meh
– ghostbusters cardboard house with kinder eggs
– why would I give her my screwdriver
– kiefer Sutherland as morbius
– scooby doo is stupid

I’m not sure what to make of the Ghostbusters query. Nor indeed can I fathom out that first term. Did I say anything particularly profound / stupid about lesbianism that would warrant someone to look me up, either to gasp in awe or in horror? And speaking of stupid, who the hell came up with that last one? Scooby Doo is a great show. It’s a little formulaic, but that’s why it’s lasted for this long and in spite of Scrappy Doo. I would blog about this further but I’m still trying to work out whether Kiefer Sutherland would make a convincing Morbius (and I’m assuming that the Morbius in question was the Marvel vampire, as opposed to the renegade Time Lord).

But. But! That’s only the half of it. Because I’ve discovered that a bunch of search engine terms take the form of questions. (Actually, the fourth entry in that list above is technically a question, but it’s also a direct quote, and I presume it was searched with that in mind.) And I’m figuring that if you don’t try and address what your would-be readers want to know, aren’t you missing out on something? I have therefore picked up on a few of the more interesting questions I’ve had this last quarter and reprinted them below – again, verbatim – with my answers.

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– on flesh and stone you can see the doctor wearing a suit when the angel had already taken him away

Indeed you can. This is one of those ‘puzzles’ the chief writer set us throughout series five, and when it happened in ‘Flesh and Stone’ I was willing to let it go, as the concept was relatively fresh. This has been covered in more blogs than I could count, so it seems somewhat redundant to include it here, but basically the Doctor’s got his jacket back because it’s not the same Doctor. It’s the Doctor from a few weeks later, travelling backwards along his own timeline just before he’s obliterated from existence. (Yes, I know it sounds silly. It really was.)

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– brian eyes burning like fire

Bright. BRIGHT EYES. I know Art Garfunkel’s diction was waning even in the 1970s, but sheesh.

I know it’s scrappily done, but it almost works. Almost.

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– does anyone understand numberjacks

No one understands Numberjacks. They just think they do. On the surface it’s an accessible children’s show about elementary mathematics problems that are solved by anthropomorphic numbers who live in a sofa. But beneath this CG-driven exterior there’s a sinister Groundhog Day-like undertone to the whole thing, as epitomised by the fact that the room they leave is constantly empty, the Numberjacks have to display the profile of every villain they face every time, and the fact that the cat is always sitting on the sofa. There’s also the white elephant that is the buddy block, the fact that the characters are apparently able to hack local CCTV (and also have cameras in places that really shouldn’t have cameras) but can’t tell the difference between a circle and an oval – oh, and the enigma of the dancing cow.

So no, nobody’s figured it out, and anyone who tells you they have is either hopelessly naïve, or just lying. (We’ve tried, though. Gareth recently asked me whether I thought Number Four was ever sad that no one was able to give him a high five, as well as observing that pink was an unfortunate choice of colour for Number Three.)

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– never confuse efficiency with a liver complaint meaning

Oh, look, it’s quite simple. Katie Nanna is perpetually grumpy, correct? Her sternness and strictness were qualities that the Banks evidently looked for in their incoming nannies, requiring as they did someone to keep the children in line. But George Banks blamed her health – in particular the itching, swelling and fatigue that are early signs of liver damage – and posited that this was what was making her cross, not a natural disposition towards effective discipline.

Katie Nanna. Fond of the gin, that one.

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– a town called mercy shit

Yes. Yes it is.

‘A Town Called Mercy’. A low point, at least until ‘Journey to the Centre of the TARDIS’.

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– if a weeping angel sees the silence will it forget?

Ah, the old Angels vs. Silence question, a match-up rivalled in sheer tedium only by the prospect of the Daleks vs. the Cybermen. Anyway, Joshua asked me this a while back, so I’ve had time to think it over. If an Angel is able to move towards the Silent, unobserved, then it’ll be able to attack as it normally would. The moment the Silent turns to see it, the Angel freezes like it normally would. But I’m not convinced that the Silence’s weapon of choice (that stupid Force Lightning) would have any effect on granite, so the best thing to do would be to just bow out gracefully. Observe this hastily-sketched diagram.

Presumably the Silent would need to manoeuvre itself round the back of the Angel so that it could no longer be observed, keeping an eye on it at all times (and seeing as the Silence do not appear to blink, it would have a distinct tactical advantage in this department). When it leaves the room, the Angel unfreezes, but presumably forgets why it came in there in the first place, which is something that I gather happens a lot when you’re extremely old and prone to seizing up at the most inopportune moments.

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– scooby doo boobies

Dude. Seriously. Get help.

Scooby Who?

One of our favourite topics of conversation over dinner is “Doctor Who meets…”. Such discussions are typically instigated by Joshua, who will say something along the lines of “What would happen if the Doctor met Postman Pat / the Ninja Turtles / Bob the Builder?”. And that launches a sea of ideas about the Doctor finding out the Ninja Turtles really are aliens (which would annoy the fans no end) or being attacked by a possessed Spud. It’s derivative, but it stops them from fighting over who gets the ketchup first.

Gareth has his own theories about Pat. “Postman Pat is clearly a disguise of the Master’s,” he once told me. “It’s rather blatant if you think about it. His TARDIS blends in well as the van.” I did consider that the only Doctor who was going to be able to integrate himself within the rural community that is Greendale was going to be the Ninth, which was difficult because he’d apparently only travelled with Rose – and that in turn led to our having a discussion about Christopher Eccleston’s hair.

The most popular crossover, however, is the Whoniverse as inhabited by the members of Mystery Inc. Because Scooby Doo, as we’ll discover, is very similar to Doctor Who. It has a gang of adventurers travelling around to a series of interesting and varied locations, tampering with local legends and generally making a nuisance of themselves. There’s always a localised threat by a monster who’s not what he appears to be. And there’s always a lot of running. The differences only really become apparent come the final reel, as this Facebook discovery shows.

Scooby Doo’s branched out before, of course – as early as 1972 he was rubbing shoulders with the likes of the Three Stooges and Cass Elliot in The New Scooby Doo Movies. By far the best of these were the episodes with Batman and Robin, if only because the straight-laced dialogue echoes the 1960s TV series. (When Robin becomes momentarily spooked by a sequence of ghostly noises, for example, it’s left to the Caped Crusader to point out that they are “Merely sound effects, Robin, recorded on tape by talented professional thespians”. Oscar-winning material this is not.)

The dog and his upright companions have been much lampooned over the years – Buffy the Vampire Slayer is, to all intents and purposes, Scooby Doo in California, and the fact that the gang refer to themselves as “the Scoobies” (which Xander, on one memorable occasion, not-quite rhymes with ‘boobies’). Just after the millennium turned, Jay and Silent Bob got high with them. But if you want a neat little summary of the show, you could do a lot worse than this.

Sadly, the golden age of Scooby Doo is long-gone. Most die-hard fans will tell you they lost their patience at the introduction of Scrappy Doo in 1979, but while it’s easy to hate the stunted canine it’s also easy to forget that the show was suffering in the ratings department when he was brought in. For me, the turning point was The 13 Ghosts, which featured the gang (well, three of them) battling real ghosts – in the same way that they would in 1998’s Zombie Island – which seemed to somehow undermine the whole point of the show. Mind you, the most recent incarnation of the show featured a scene in which Scooby was being chased by Cthulhu. It was at this point that I realised children’s TV had lost some of its innocence.

Less recently than that, but still within the last decade or so, What’s New Scooby Doo? has tried to emulate the formula and style of the original Scooby Doo, Where Are You?, right down to the songs, and with some success. Unfortunately, far too many of these stories suffer from featuring well-intentioned ‘villains’ who only used monstrous disguises to frighten away seedy developers or avoid ecological disasters. Endings are a question of sorting out the misunderstanding rather than jailing the crook, and the “snooping kids” line barely gets a look in. The writers seem to know that it’s past its prime, as epitomised in an episode when Scooby performs a daring leap on a motorcycle over a pit full of hungry great whites, prompting Velma to comment “I never thought Scooby Doo would jump the shark”.

Still. The thought of Fred and the gang in the TARDIS. The possibilities are endless. You could have Shaggy exclaim “Like, how are you doin’ this?”, and the Doctor could reply “It’s bigger on the inside. You know, sort of like your stomach.” Velma could work with Zoe, and they could argue over which of them was better with a computer. And you could have Scooby Doo hide inside a Dalek, trundling around Skaro, bumping into things, exclaiming “REX-RERMIRATE!”.

Until that script is written, of course (and you can’t use any of the above – they’re mine) the general pattern of things seems to address a different question – not so much “What would happen if the Doctor and his companions met the Scooby gang?”, more “What would happen if the Doctor and his companions were the Scooby gang?”. I’ve already weighed in on this debate, some time back.

But you can extend the metaphor further, and it’s possible to replace every character in Mystery Inc. with a Whovian counterpart if you exercise your grey matter a bit. I was ruminating on this one day last week, when out of the blue and with no prompting whatsoever, Gareth sent me something he found on online.

And then this, which is not as good, but will at least satisfy the newbies who have no idea who Leela was.

See? This is what the internet is for. Not those wretched cat videos. Not making stupid comments on Twitter that you only delete after they’ve been picked up by several national newspapers. It’s the joy of sharing something creative and fun. Now if only I can get DC to pick up my option for Scooby Doo Vs. The Punisher.

Is it just me? #4

Emily spotted this one.